I have everything to say but nothing to say at the same time.  Stuck in the middle, I am trying to move but almost paralyzed in place. Torn between what I feel and what others say, I’m not 100% sure what to believe.  I’m in that place where I feel like I can’t be understood by anyone else but I know others have felt what I feel but at the same time, if I tried to put it into words it’d come out like gibberish…almost because my situation is, in some ways, specific to me. 

I was once told, “The person who needs you the most is you.”  I heard that at least 2 years ago and I find myself back at the place where I stop and wonder, “Am I taking care of me?  Am I giving myself the attention I deserve?”  I’ve yet to figure out how to answer and respond to these questions considering my life isn’t for me but only I can live my life.  It’s like I’m stuck in a paradox and I am having the hardest time trying to find a balance.

I am not sure I told you that I have a BooThang now. LOL “BooThang”…I’m still trying to find names outside of boyfriend, but, yes, I am in a relationship and it is sooooo different. It is different because this is my first relationship (prayerfully my last) where we are both saved, both love Christ, both live for Christ and are both all about ministry and that is a bond like none other.

In a traditional timeline, this is all relatively new…pushing up on a month from “I like you,” but in another world, this is all so familiar.  Whenever we’re together, I don’t feel that uncomfortability in the newness of getting to know someone.  Honestly, it’s almost like we are relearning each other! (praise break) I love him to pieces…I really do and I think part of that familiarity comes from this place from which I love him.

I can give a list of things for why I love him but most of all, I am loving the Christ in him.  Loving him is teaching and revealing to me, more and more, about the love of Christ.  Again, this is the first saved relationship I have been in so there’s a different place from which I respond to this idea of “love.”  I would say that many, maybe more like most, people love superficially.  They love what someone can do for them, how they look…things that don’t actually matter when one is old and gray and can barely move…it’s a perishable love.  But loving with the love of Christ, it doesn’t matter when you are in a t-shirt and bball shorts, or whether you come empty handed, I just want you. 

In thinking about that, I thought about that I thought a lot about how we ask Christians respond to God.  How many of us can honestly say that we just want God.  If God doesn’t give us anything else, we are perfectly ok and just want to be in His presence? Most of us do not love God, we love the hand of God - what He can give us.  That’s not real love; that’s perishable love - once the gifts run out and you can’t do anything else for me, I’m gone. Real love, unconditional love, doesn’t seek for the gifts in the first place…the gifts are a bonus!

When we start loving God for just being Him, then our lives will change.  Have you ever had a niece, aunt, God-child, mother, grandmother, uncle, someone who you want to give a gift to just because of who they are? I mean, this person loves people to the very end and never asks for anything in return and they “deserve something,” and that something is typically something on the bigger scale?  That’s how God is when we just want to be with Him - He can’t help but want to give us what we need, and beyond that, desire, simply because just spend time with Him, give freely, love freely, etc and it’s like, “Awww, let me give them something back.”  However, you can do all of this and still do it for a reward which is not genuine but when you do it genuinely, a “reward” naturally comes.

I then thought about whenever the boo does something that comes close to irritating me, I instantly flip it to giving him the benefit of doubt…well maybe this or maybe that; I have probably gotten frustrated with him once so far (because I couldn’t find justification on his behalf lol) but I otherwise think of the best of him and then start wondering if everything is ok. Is that not like God? How many times have we done things that irritate, frustrate and upset God and He gives us the benefit of doubt? What’s even better is He KNOWS the thoughts behind the things He does and brushes a lot of stuff off! How do I know that? You’re still living! Had He responded to you based upon your actions, you probably wouldn’t be here.

There are more things that happen between the Boo and I that makes me think a lot about the love of Christ and how much God loves us.  Each time I have a new grasp on understanding the love of God, I’m hit with something new and it makes me realize so much more that I am not deserving of His love but He loves me anyway. He loves me passionately and to the very depths of my soul…past each and every one of my flaws.

More and more I am learning who the Boo is in my life and His purpose in it.  Dear Mister, thank you for being you. Thank you for being such an example to me of ministry, of sharing the love of God with others, of being a child of God. I appreciate you so much and am beyond honored to stand beside you as your significant other (lol). It is my pleasure to love you, support you, encourage you and labor beside (and for) you. I thank God for sending such a powerful man of God into my life! I love you, babe!

Pastor once said that as we grow in Christ, our Spirit man wakes in pieces. Think with me in the natural, when you wake, you wake in stages. First you realize that you aren’t sleep any more, then you open your eyes, then your brain and heart are flipping from sleep mode to active mode and you begin to move. Pastor said the same thing happens in the spirit - you wake in stages.

Jeremiah 1:5 (AMP) states, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew [and] approved of you [as My chosen instrument], and before you were born I separated and set you apart, consecrating you; [and] I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” 

Everything that we need, spiritually, we have been equipped with prior to being formed in our mothers’ wombs. We are spirit beings in a natural body, not natural beings trying to experience a spiritual encounter. How many times have you had a “deja vu?”  Deja vu’s can’t exactly be explained with science. I mean really, how can you see something that’s happened prior to it happening? You can’t…naturally. However, if we are spirits chilling in heaven waiting to come down to earth, and God spoke the end from the beginning (Isa 46:9-10), we were in the midst of such “deja vu” moment when it was spoken into existence. So, it is a deja vu? Not so much. It is our spirit remembering God speaking, it is of a prophetic flow.

What has really bothered me lately is this weak mentality of Christians. Why is it that when God asks us to do something (pray for someone, lay hands, prophesy, etc.) we start freaking out, backing up and saying that we can’t do it? YES. WE. CAN!!! We know how to do it and exactly what to do, we just forgot.  It’s almost like getting on a plane, falling asleep, riding for a really long time, waking up and when some asks you to exit the plane, you start freaking out talking about you can’t walk, don’t know how to walk.  YES YOU DO! You walked on the plane…walk off! lol I am reminded of those who have to go through rehab to relearn to walk, eat, talk, etc. For some, it is very difficult, they want to quit and give up.  The thought of having to do all of this RElearn it, is difficult but it doesn’t mean that they never knew how to do it prior to.

I often pray and ask God to remind me who I am; remind me of the conversations had of old. If I am royalty, if I have power, then I need to be operating in that but I can’t do so if I don’t remember how to.  I have to go through spiritual rehab and it is frustrating, it is difficult, there are many moments where I feel as if there is no progress but God is not letting me have a pity party. He told me, if we want to see more of His presence on earth, then we need to be ambassadors and carriers of His presence. The world will not see Him until we operate in Him. Welp, that means, the state of this world is in my hands…it rests on me pushing through rehab to allow Him to walk in my shoes, flow in my speech, touch through my hands and love through my interactions with others.

You are powerful, anointed, gifted, blessed, highly favored, royalty, powerful and best of all, you have your Father’s DNA! Jesus said, “Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Father,” John 14:12. 

So, I must ask, are you going to continue to sit there and not do anything with all of that power swirling inside of you are you going to wake up, go through spiritual rehab, work your faith, arise and walk? They’re waiting on you!

For years I lived in a fantastic reality. My life was Inception - my dreams became reality and my reality became a nightmare that I only wanted to escape - a reminder of why I preferred to be sleep. Why? Because my reality sucked! It was dark, quiet, wet and dank; it was lonely, scary and I was tired of walking alone. I figured if I had to be in a world by myself, then it should be one I enjoyed, so I slept. And when I dreamed, I had the power to create everything I wanted and whatever happened that I didn’t like I could change if I thought hard enough.  For the first time I felt I had control over my life and I liked it. I liked knowing what was coming next, being able to say what I want, do what I want, being able to stand up for myself and know what I want…all things that weren’t easily accomplished in reality.  I would wake only to be up long enough to function with just enough power that those on the outside thought I was present but on the inside I was still in another world. I declined offers to hang out and slept 8+ hours a night not because I needed to study or had to get enough sleep but because I was itching to get back to the world I created.

My college years were transformative years for me on a level that I cannot explain and each year brought something different.  Each year I wanted to slip away more than the previous year and each year I had a harder time doing so. That left me in a trapped place, limbo if you will. Limbo was not a safe place for me or anyone else close to me in that time period. Why? I was being drawn out of a place that I have made for myself, a place of comfort, security, back into the unknown, unfamiliar, unstable. So, my emotions are everywhere, I’m kicking against anything that is a threat and I just wasn’t feeling it.  On the other hand, reality and fantasy are now at war and the more I’m standing in the middle, the more I’m torn between which to choose.

I didn’t realize, initially, that each year God placed someone new in my path to drawn my interest and to pull me out of my world. The first year was to introduce me to something new.  The second year was to introduce me to Christ. The third year was to introduce me to the love of Christ and His presence.  The fourth year was me for to learn to walk in that love, to operate in it, to walk away from my world and into reality. So, yes, limbo was a dangerous place for anyone connected to me because they were sent on assignment to pull at me when I didn’t want to be pulled. I appreciate those brave souls. lol I mean seriously, if you were one of those people, you may have a couple of bruises. If you are someone who knows me now, be happy for those who pulled me out. lol I’m exceptionally grateful for those people because had they given up on me and left me to my world, I would have missed all of this. While my world, to me was bright and colorful and controlled, on the outside, I was a walking dead and I was missing the real meaning of life. I could have never imagined the taste of “I love you” or the sound of a hug. I would have never touched happiness or heard the joy of the Lord. I would have never seen peace or smelled grace and mercy. And I could have never, in my wildest dreams, imagined the people that I have come in contact with. Lastly, I would have never made it to the place that matters most to me, ministry. Why does ministry matter so much? Because I have the opportunity to save someone who was like me…trapped and lost in their own world because they never had the opportunity to experience the joys of life.

For years I lived in a fantastic reality. My life was Inception - my dreams became reality and my reality became a nightmare that I only wanted to escape…I. Have. Awaken!

Wikipedia states, “The ripple effect is a term used to describe a situation where, like the ever expanding ripples across water when an object is dropped into it, an effect from an initial state can be followed outwards incrementally.”

Every thing you do has an impression on something or someone else. I once heard a young man by the name of Hasan Davis say, “you don’t have a choice whether or not you are going to be a role model.”  He told a story of when he was trying to be cool and jumped out of the window of his high school and while it knocked the air out of him, he was perfectly fine.  Shortly after, there was an elementary kid who was going to jump out of the window because he saw Hasan do it and in that moment, Hasan realized that he was being watched. That kid thought what Hasan had done was cool and wanted to be cool so he, naturally, thought to jump out of the window. Now you’re probably thinking, the consequences could be death, this little kid jumping out of the window doesn’t make sense! Well, the consequences are obvious to us, maybe not to someone who’s between the ages of 6 and 10. Furthermore, Hasan survived so clearly, it’s not dangerous, right?

We don’t have a choice whether or not we are going to be a role model…or who we are going to be role models to. If you were to assess your life right now, what would be your thought if you knew that someone (adult or kid) is following in your every footstep?  Is it a feeling of fear?  A feeling of discomfort? Apprehension? Now, take those emotions and apply them to now because I guarantee that someone is watching your every move and doing what you are doing because they look up to you.  Based on what you felt at that thought, how should you alter your life?

Stay tuned for the next blog of Ripple Effect!

There was a time when I continually asked God to take my life, to end it all, because I was too afraid to end it myself.  My mind was everywhere, my emotions were in a whirlwind and I felt I had nothing worth living for. Life was all one big blur…just gray. I would wake up and sigh that I had to live through another day.

Almost two years later, I’m still here. I still wake up in the mornings and have to go through another day.  In retrospect, I was asking God to take my life not really understanding what I was asking. I was asking for death and that’s what He gave me. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” The New Living Translation puts it, “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!”  I was so tired of fighting that I just gave up and in my surrender I became desperate for something…anything. So, I started church hopping, I knew where I didn’t want to go and thought I’d try something else out…I just needed a word.  In my giving up, in my surrender and desperation, God was able to take my life.

I stayed in a place of desperation for a while and because of that, I kept chasing after that fix…searching for a word to sustain me through the week and it did just that.  Not only did it sustain me but it started to give me hope. Psalms 119:116 (NASB), “Sustain me according to Your word, that I may live; And do not let me be ashamed of my hope.”  Not only did it sustain me and give me hope but it began to work in me and do surgery. Hebrews 4:12 (KJV), “For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.”  Through it all I had been strengthened and encouraged. The best way to build muscle is to tear it and that’s just what He did, ripped me into pieces only to rebuild me.

This morning when I woke, I woke excited about the fact that I have the opportunity to experience a new day.  A chance to positively influence someone’s life. My world is much more colorful. I smile, the sun shines, the sky is blue and even when it’s night time, the moon glistens and the stars twinkle. I am happy that I can say, “This joy I have, the world didn’t give it and the world can’t take it away!”

I asked God to take my life and I am so glad that He did. In John 10:10 (NASB) He says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”  He didn’t only take my life but enhanced and expanded it; still expanding it. I do not curse that dark time in my life for it makes me appreciate today! I am the living dead! Not only did I die but I must die daily (Romans 8:13)!

Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2

When Catherine Middleton affiliated with royalty, she was in the spotlight all of the time.  People were watching her every move to see how she behaved (did, wear, eat, etc.).  When an announcement was made about her engagement to royalty, people scoffed, brought up her history, and, again, watched her every move. When she married royalty, she moved into the kingdom.  Her name changed from Catherine Middleton, aka Kate, to Duchess of Cambridge.  She now has to look, walk, and talk like royalty…everything has had to change.

I can’t help but look at Catherine Middleton’s recent adventures and see how similar it is to our own spiritual lives. When we come into affiliation with Jesus Christ, people will start to look at our every move to see if we are behaving a certain way.  When we announce that we are going to walk with Christ (disconnect from certain people or things, baptism, ordination, get involved with different ministries), people will scoff and remind you of who you used to be and why you shouldn’t or can’t be who you are declaring you are.  They are now watching you harder than before waiting on you to slip up. Now that you have officially said “yes” to God, to His will and His way, your name changes, your look changes, your talk and communications with others is different.  You now have to conform to the royal life in the Kingdom.

While living in a palace seems great but getting there is difficult; staying there and maintaining your composure amidst the haters is just as difficult…remembering where you are and not where you were makes it all easy. Are you willing to go through the transformation process of rags to riches? Are you ready to live in the Kingdom?

With every death is the start of a new life.  Spiritually, our mortal bodies die but we have eternal life on the other side.  You may have heard older people say whenever a child is born, someone dies…again confirming this concept that out of death comes life.

I found out yesterday that my aunt is in hospice care.  She’s the second person within the past month that I’ve heard about being in hospice care and I could only think of how much of a blessing it is to know that you’re nearing the end.  There’s nothing to fear in death unless you aren’t sure where you’re going afterward.  We never know when our name can be called but the fact that you know your body is shutting down is a great warning sign and opportunity to have a chance to reconcile with God.

We often live our lives fairly recklessly, spiritually speaking, in that we do what we want, when we want, however we want and ignore the voice of God. Each second is a blessing that you didn’t die in the foolishness you were just in…in the mental state you were just in…in the anger…in the depression…whatever! Each second is an opportunity to get yourself together and how many of those seconds do we waste? How many opportunities have we wasted?

I’m not at all envious of my aunt for I know what I should do and recognize the opportunities that I have but I can only find beauty in her opportunity of reconciliation and pray that, not only she but we all, take the time to evaluate where we stand with God and respond accordingly.  

If you were to die right now, do you know where you’re going?

Maturity is quite cyclical; oxymoronic even.  You mature in one thing which causes you to be immature in this new dimension you’ve entered in to.  I always know that I’m coming into a new dimension because I feel powerless, weak…like I want to quit.  It’s really hard, I’m really trying and any more energy that I will have to exert will just zap me. It’s like being in a box and growing.  You get to a point where you start to outgrow the space and you start butting against the ceiling.  As a Christian, you’re always on watch so now you’re in a glass box…everything you do can be seen. People are watching how you handle different situations, watching you grow spiritually and once you start hitting the ceiling it becomes most difficult…for me at least.  Why?  Because I’m in this box by myself and have to figure out how to break free, how to get to this new level and it takes more to break past this point.  What energy was once enough no longer isn’t and there comes a point where I just want to sit in the middle of the box and stay right where I am.  On the other hand, I know I can’t stay where I am.  My spirit doesn’t want to stay there…it’s wanting more, longing for more so I’m in this whirlwind of emotions and feelings…which is really a war between flesh and spirit.  I have to go higher, I have to get higher but what’s on the other side?  What happens when I get to the other side?

While thinking of all of this, I was reminded of a couple of songs by Israel Houghton.  In Lord of the Breakthrough he says, “…You keep feeling this anti-you barrier pressing down on you but each time you keep pressing, that barrier is having to back up, having to withdraw.  The glass ceiling that you’ve been hitting with the top of your head, instead of getting upset at that glass ceiling and quitting, there’s a heart rate that drives you. Your calf muscles are getting stronger; you are able to jump again.  Regardless of the temporary pain you feel in your head, the temporary pain you feel in your body, there’s a breakthrough! That glass has to shatter; that wall has to come down.” And then I’m reminded of a line from his song, So Come, where he says, “That ceiling that we’ve been trying to breakthrough is now the floor of a new dimension, another level.” At the point where I prepare to sit down, I’m reminded that I have to keep pushing.  I’ve outgrown this space, staying here would just be cramped but breaking past this point takes me to a new place in God, a new place within myself and gives me more room to breathe, grow, feel, minister. I must shift.

It is very common for someone to have a nickname.  Most times, the nickname is given by someone close, a relative, friend, etc.  I have friends with 80 different nicknames, a lot of them ridiculously hilarious because they make absolutely no sense, but it has been a name given to them. 

Then, there are pseudonyms.  These are names assumed, typically by a writer, to conceal one’s identity.  Now, not everyone who changes their name changes because they’re a writer and want a cool pen name. I have a brother who never had a nickname and wanted to create one for himself so he started referring to himself as Zeekiel.  Then he shortened it to Zeek and signed stuff with it. He created a new identity for himself.

I have a few nicknames: A-Marie, ReRe, Alex, Lochy, Gibaldness, Gibalders, Charity and Gibs.  All of these, except 2, is a variation of one of my three names.  My nickname as a baby was Toot.  It came from my grandmother who pulled it from a song that said, “Don’t mess with my Toot Toot!” A few years later, I didn’t want to be called Toot Toot or Toot anymore so my name became Alex.  From there, different people had variations of that, and some of my family had a hard time shifting from Toot Toot to Alex. My mom and I have the same first name so we knew that anyone who asked for Alex had to be a friend or family member. The interesting thing about nick names and pseudonyms is they, in many respects become your identity…it’s who you define yourself as.

After graduating high school, I still identified with Alex a little bit but folks in college just called me by my first name.  So, that’s who I identified with.  I was in a Bible study class where our instructor encouraged us to rename ourselves to someone that we needed to work on.  For example, if you struggled with hate, you name call yourself Love.  Well, I named myself Faith and Endurance.  Taking it another step further, about a month later, I changed my fb name to Charity Faith. 

Charity Faith came from the idea that I was really struggling with the concept of love, as well as, this concept of faith and believing in what I can’t see.  Charity Faith became me and I it.  It gave me a chance to break away from the person connected with Alex and Marie but to start over and become someone different.  It worked - for the better, might I add.  My faith grew and I learned to love.

Just recently, God spoke to me about having nicknames.  Jacob had to admit who he was to God, and by saying his name, he claimed all that was connected with it, the good and the bad.  So, God also challenged me to change my facebook name back to the name originally given to me at birth.  I had a hard time doing so but this was His point: All that Marie did adds up to who you are now.  Everything you’ve done, every place you’ve gone all brings you to this point. Charity Faith isn’t who you are, it’s a cover up. You can’t move into the future by denying the past and holding on to something negatively associated with it. Charity Faith was an escape…Marie is who you are.

This year I have had a lot of life defining moments! I have been baptized in the name of Jesus, baptized with the Holy Ghost, ordained as a minister, appointed as the College and Young Adults Ministry director and they all point back to one thing - the definition of Marie in the Lamb’s book. I have done the false names, nicknames, etc. Now, I’m being redefined back to the original definition of me and that’s who I identify with. But, just as when I switched from Toot Toot to Alex, there are people who will struggle to accept this change in identity.  Some people will forever be connected to an identity of a season in your life. That’s why you have to be ok with letting certain people go because they were just for a season.  The beautiful thing about all of this newness and such is, I now know who I am. I am defined through Christ!